Part 3: "I would never hold my friend hostage"
(Bree, here)
The tricky thing about journeys and processes of any kind is… you’ve never been in that territory before. Nobody ever tells you that for no apparent reason, your bodies just don’t produce kids. They never tell you that it’s possible you would get married, do the mattress mambo (I love that dance) and NOT produce kids. Process becomes process because you’re in unknown territory and you are thrust into trying to figure out how the heck to maneuver through it.
My father-in-law used to say a thing to my husband when he was a kid: “Jonathan… you didn’t come with a manual.” Friend - this didn’t come with a manual. Infertility doesn’t show up with a manual. A miscarriage doesn’t show up with a manual. SIDS doesn’t come with a manual. Being able to conceive one child but not being able to conceive another doesn’t come with a manual. Having your uterus taken out in an emergency surgery or accident or due to sudden health issues - that doesn’t come with a manual. So guess what - process is trying to discover “How the heck do I do this?” while right in the middle of doing it. It’s building an airplane while falling through the air.
I’m 4-years in and I’m STILL trying to figure out: (1) how to honor my emotions when I have them; (2) what to do with my emotions when I have them; (3) how to balance my emotions when I have them; (4) how to make decisions in the midst of having emotions; and (5) how to continue living life with infertility AND the aching desire to have children. Who knew life could sometimes look like this? They didn’t teach me this in Full House, Boy Meets World or Saved By The Bell (what the heck, guys?!)
Year 3 was a tricky year. I was at the height of a teetering-act of emotional balancing. I was angry and I was determined. I was filled with pain and I was full of purpose. I was confused and I was becoming clearer in my core beliefs. I was hurting and I was getting stronger. There were many peaks of this mountain I had climbed and conquered. But there was a particular muscle I hadn’t yet been able to flex - and that was how a good-God-who-was-with-me-and-for-me-and-was-all-powerful hadn’t ‘made us pregnant yet’.
I remember sitting across the lunch table with one of my Best Friends on a sunny afternoon, right along the river. She had asked me about how I was doing with my journey and I remember responding: “I don’t feel like I’ve fallen out of love with God. But I do feel like I’ve lost a little bit of intimacy with Him.” At the time, I remember feeling noble about that - I had chosen not to forfeit my love for Him. But I was ok to admit that I had pulled away from Him because the truth is, intimacy and disappointment are terrible long-term roommates.
But the thing is - I didn’t realize that admitting I had ‘lost intimacy’ with Him was an indicator light, flashing at full-brightness, trying to make me aware of something. What I didn’t realize was these heavy emotions are like car-indicator lights: they are signals set in place to draw your attention to discover a deeper issue. The truth was - losing intimacy was a by-product of a wound I had on my heart. And if it continued to go unaddressed, it would indefinitely lead to losing love.
I don’t even know where I was or what I was doing at the time when I heard the thought rise up in me. When you commit yourself to surrendering your heart and your emotions; your fears and your disappointments; your uncertainties and your questions; when you commit to surrendering them all to GOD while knee-deep in a process: He is faithful to continually talk to you. There I was doing something I can’t remember, when suddenly a thought rose up in me:
“Bree…you would never hold your friend hostage.”
Um… WHAT? What does that even mean? It was such a jarring phrase that I do recall being completely stopped in my tracks and completely intrigued, both at the same time. “I would never hold my friend hostage,” I said out-loud. “What does that even mean?”
“You would never hold your friend hostage for possessing an asset or a tool that reflects a standard of life you wish to have. For example, you have wealthy friends…. do you hold them hostage because they have wealth and you don’t? You have friends that own homes…do you hold them hostage because they have a home and you don’t? You have friends that have children…do you hold them hostage because they have children and you don’t?”
“You would never hold your friends hostage because they possess an asset or tool that reflects a standard of life you wish to have. So why are you holding GOD hostage because He possesses your promises?”
I am convinced that we hear GOD more frequently and clearly than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes I believe we hear thoughts that are actually GOD’s thoughts, but we dismiss them as our own or as ‘floating thoughts’ to be discarded. Other times, I think we hear thoughts that are GOD’s thoughts and because they challenge us & make us look at the not-so-pretty parts of ourselves, we dismiss and discard them, solely on the fact that we don’t want to admit, address or alter our thinking and actions - especially when it comes to emotions we think we have a right to feel.
I had a choice in that moment - a choice to dismiss the whole conversation as just some twilight-zone thinking brought on by bad indigestion from the food I ate the night before OR I could really evaluate my thoughts, my emotions and my beliefs and engage in the process.
I realized I HAD been holding GOD hostage. I had been holding Him hostage under the belief that if He was good and He loved me; if He was real and could really heal, then I would be able to be pregnant by now. And because I wasn’t pregnant, then that meant there was some missing link in the process, something like: “Well… He’s good but sometimes His favor looks like….”; “Well…He heals but sometimes he doesn’t and that’s because….”; “Well….sometimes He gives us promises but sometimes He doesn’t fulfill them because…..”
I was holding Him hostage because He possessed promises for a standard of a portion of life I wanted. I was saying: “WHEN you fulfill this promise…. WHEN you fulfill these promises… THEN you are good in this situation and story.”
I don’t think I’m alone when I say… much of the time we hear about God’s goodness WHEN something good happens. And I think it’s trained us to silently hold Him hostage UNTIL that good thing happens. But the truth is…. He is good throughout the ENTIRE process. He HIMSELF - His very nature - is GOOD. And the truth is - I have encountered more of His goodness in the deepest, darkest places of my process than I have in the easiest and most joyful times. His goodness is what gave me strength in the pain. His goodness is what gave me faith in the impossibilities. His goodness is what gave me joy in the middle of sorrow. His goodness is what gave me freedom when infertility made me feel so imprisoned.
This day was a marking day for me. It was a day when I FINALLY gave up all of my control. I had white-knuckled His promises for children up until that day. But when I realized that I was treating God more like a genie than I was a friend…. continually “rubbing the lamp” and making demands… instead of asking Him if I could sit on His lap and hear what HE had to say about what was happening - how HE was feeling and what HE was thinking… I forfeited my “right” to control.
The truth is… they are HIS promises, not mine. He gave them to me out of the kindest part of His heart - but they were His to begin with. These kids - they’re HIS kids - HIS gift to me. So they aren’t mine to possess in the first place. I couldn’t hold Him hostage - I needed to let Him move freely and that meant I had to allow Him to decide on & to control the timing.
“And my faith in Him convinces me that He is more than able to keep all that I’ve placed in His hands safe and secure until the fullness of His appearing.”
2 Timothy 1:12 TPT
This verse became my surrender to Him. I put my promises back in His hands and I kept them there, entrusting in HIM to fulfill them in His timing. I didn’t grab them back out of His hands when I started my period each month. I didn’t grab them back out when I took a pregnancy test because I was late & it came back negative. I didn’t grab them out when another friend made their announcement that they were pregnant. I kept them in His hands and knew they were safe - because I was so convinced of and confident in His goodness.